i don’t know what to do anymore
I feel like I’m responding a little late, but unfortunately, living in a different time zone can be a bit of a burden in situations like these.
I’m really sorry to hear you’re having so many issues, especially since I basically have the same problems, except for the relationship thing, since I’m single and always have been, but I’ve felt that way with friends, so I can try to give a little advice, however unhelpful it might be. I’m going to tell you a lot about myself, since I don’t want to start assuming anything about you and get everything totally wrong. Hopefully my experience can help you a bit.
First I’ll start with the low self-esteem problem, because that’s actually where the whole problem probably starts for me. Since I’m always pinning everything on myself, it affects my relationship with others, my view on life, etc. I start thinking I’m not worth anything, and basically life starts seeming pointless. And somewhere I know it’s not true. People love me, it’s not always my fault, and I’m being a drama queen. And so starts the endless loop of self-loathing. But in a sense, it’s both a good and a bad thing. Good, because I know that I’m not as worthless as I think I am, bad because I think I’m stupid and annoying. But at least I’ve got the worthless part off my mind. The stupid part is vicious, but I’ll admit it’s one of the reasons I haven’t committed suicide after all this time. It’s still there, but it only shows up when I’m feeling relatively depressed, or when I said or did something stupid, instead of all the time like it used to. It lessened once I realized that having issues is normal, that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it, that I’m not even close to being a drama queen, since I hardly even talk about it, and that it’s not just my fault. The ‘not just my fault’ part was the hardest, but really, if I’m not a saint, then others probably aren’t either. Not that they’re to blame for my problems, but miscommunication and misunderstanding are very rarely one sided, so basically, I can blame them as much as I blame myself.
Which leads me to my relationship with others. This may or may not help you at all with your relationship with Shane. I have extremely high role models (namely Jesus, ‘cause I’m christian, but whatever), so I always try to act as good and helpful as I can to others, and naturally, I tend to expect others to act that way as well. But they don’t. Which is actually normal, because they are not me. And yet it still bothers me, because I always try to be the best, but don’t always get much in return. And so I sometimes stop trying, because, really, why would I be the only one doing anything here? And things tend to go downwards from there, because when I stop trying, I start being more resentful and more sensitive to what people tell me. It then leads to extreme guilt, and the feeling of worthless comes back again. I feel like I’m an ass and no one deserves to put up with my crap. All this is aggravated by an abnormally high level of empathy. I start crying, because I cry a lot, even though I should probably stop because I just turned 18. Crying helps, but it also makes me feel annoying (back with that feeling of stupidity). So I tend to hide in dark corners to be alone. Which never works, because I look terrible and people seem to appreciate me a lot, however illogical that may seem, especially since I’m crying. They don’t really do anything big. My classmates-kind-of-friends tend to try and say things to make me feel better, my closer friends tell me it’s alright and that I shouldn’t cry because it makes them sad, and my best friends either sit or stand next to me very awkwardly and don’t really say much. It’s kind of funny in a way. The closer people are to me, the less they know how to cope with me when I’m down. But the fact that they are there, however unhelpful they might be, makes me realize that they do care about me and that they try too. What they do for me might not always be huge, but they try. And that usually makes me feel better. Because, we’re all trying, and I know they’re there for me, not always like I’d like them to be or expect them to be, but they’re there and that’s what counts.
And then there’s the feeling of complete loss and lack of motivation to do anything you like. I’m feeling that right know. Although that might also just be laziness at the moment, because I’m the laziest ass on the planet, and that probably didn’t really help me during my major down times. So you say you don’t want to draw, you don’t want to work-out, you don’t want to go job-searching, you don’t want to get your permit? Well, honey, don’t! Because doing something you don’t want to will not help at all. Trust me, I know. I’ve been like that for a whole 3 years. Only, it’s not a major problem anymore, and most of the time I’m just being damn lazy. So yes, it’s best you don’t force yourself into doing anything. Try not to think about it too much either, because that usually makes it worse, and tends to bring back that feeling of self-loathing, at least in my case. The best thing to do is something fun, but that doesn’t involve too much physical activity or thinking: TV. Or Internet. Or mindless fangirling. Or reblogging everything. Listening to music is also a good idea. Napping is also a ‘yes’. This won’t help you feel any less lost or motivated, but at this stage, it’s the best thing to do. Anything to keep your mind busy. Do this until you feel either better, contempt or bored. You have to get rid of the depressive aura that’s probably floating around you at the moment. Once it’s gone, thinking about what you want to do will be easier and far less painful. Take your time and make sure to choose what you really want to do, and not something you feel you should do but really don’t want to. That step comes a bit later, and frankly I haven’t got to it yet, although you probably will get to it before me, since you seem far more mature than I am. So for now, try to do really basic stuff: reading, going out for a walk, attempting and failing to draw (obviously that’s what’ve been doing all month), just really simple and easy stuff.
I’m not really sure this helps entirely, but I hope it’ll be of some use. I wish you the best of luck and hope you’ll find a way to sort out your issues. It’s a good thing you blogged about it instead of just keeping absolutely everything to yourself (Unlike a certain someone I know *points at self*). Even if it’s not really talking, it helps a bit too. I sincerely hope everything will go better for you in time, because it will take time, though I wish it won’t take too long, because this is probably one of the worst things to go through. Sorry for the amazing long message, though. And the possible bad grammar and stuff. :P